Relational Empowerment con'd

Couples-therapist Terrence Real's second Losing Strategy:

Controlling Your Partner.

So tempting to solve your relationship problem by focusing on what we want to 'fix' in our partner. If we could get him to stop reading at the dinner table, be more affectionate, quit barking at the kids, become a saver instead of a spender etc. then life would be good again. Yes, but at what cost?

Controlling another person through manipulation, (nagging, bullying, flattering etc.) never really works. We may bring about change but with it comes resentment and distance. We win the battle and lose the war, as Real puts it.

Controlling others can become a full-time project, draining the controller's batteries and distracting her/himself from working on what really needs to be addressed first (see below)

Real's rule: WE ARE DRAWN TO PEOPLE WHOSE ISSUES FIT PERFECTLY WITH OUR OWN IN A WAY THAT GUARANTEES A REENACTMENT OF THE OLD, FAMILIAR STRUGGLES WE GREW UP WITH.

Painful to discover how this rule may apply to the controller's own life, it is also the path to empowerment  — freedom to make choices.